The other day, my husband and I went to a neighbor’s house and one of their electric outlets wasn’t working, a recurring problem with that outlet. Luke knows a bit about electricity (he’s legitimately certifiable…in a good way) so he grabbed some tools from home and got to work. Ultimately, he had to trace the problem back to a wire that had become loose and sometimes, but not always, disconnected. After he re-connected and tightened the wire, ta-da, electricity again!
A recent study released by Search Institute, a research group dedicated to “discovering what kids need to succeed.” suggests that…we’ve got a loose wire in America. Not just a loose one, but in some cases, a completely disconnected one, and unfortunately, the one that has the most power.
The title of their research is “Don’t Forget the Families: The Missing Piece in America’s Effort to Help All Children Succeed” and what it shows is that we have made a big mistake in America – we nixed the family and tried to raise the kids without it. As they report, “too many institutions and professionals have given up on families, focusing exclusively on the struggles families face and the problems they create. We then put our energy and resources into setting up systems and supports that compensate for the failures we perceive in families.”
We tried to “fix” the shortcomings we’ve perceived in families by, well, replacing the family with things like school, and sports, and therapy, and youth programs and … church.
As a society we collectively decided that “many families are dysfunctional and even hopeless. Changes in family structure and family life have led some observers, advocates, and the public to characterize the state of families today as bad and getting worse.” The solution? Remove the “power” from the family and replace it with other more stable things.
The problem with that is, we forgot that we are hard-wired to be a part of a family, and no matter how many institutions we create to vie for power in our hearts, our family consistently remains the most influential.
“In reality, there is little evidence that families have lost their power in the lives of children and youth—even though many families do face major challenges.[A] University of Virginia study found that most parents are quite happy with their own families (Bowman et al., 2012).
A 2010 survey of 2,691 U.S. adults by the Pew Research Center similarly found that 76% said their family is the most important element of their lives, and 75% said they are very satisfied with their family (Taylor, 2010)…
Longitudinal evidence suggests that it is more accurate to describe families as changing, not declining… family influence remained strong… levels of maternal engagement remained strong.
Conclusion? Families still matter greatly, and families can and do tend to perform well those functions that are particularly relevant to the lives of children, even in different social and historical contexts, household arrangements, and living conditions (Bengstan, et al, p. 15).”
What does that mean to us in the Church?
Parents/caregivers are the single most important influence in a child’s life. Period. No amount of programming, support, systems or institutions can change that. We are hard-wired to exist within families by the very One who wired our system in the first place.
And thus the call to parents to disciple their kids in the faith all through Scripture. Because God knew what researchers spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to tell us in a pages-long report on the success of children:
We propose focusing family engagement on reinforcing families’ central role in helping children and youth develop character strengths through which they discover who they are, their power to shape their own development, and why they matter in their families, communities, and world
In the church, we call that…discipleship.
And it is time we give the power back to the place it belongs. It means we “shift the how of engaging families: from emphasizing the tactical ways families reinforce what happens in schools or programs (or church!) to supporting families in building developmental relationships.”
For the last few years, many ministers in the Church have been sharing the theological reasons for a shift towards family ministry or ministry that focuses on equipping the home as the primary place for faith formation. And in some cases, they have been met with resistance by those, who like the study points out, see the changing face of the family and the imperfections therein and say, “We just can’t turn this important job of teaching kids about God over to parents…what could happen?”
But now, this study, aimed at the larger society and having nothing to do with faith or religion or church, is saying we must “refocus family engagement for greater reach and impact based on the perspectives, priorities, and strengths of families.”
It is time, Church.
We need to rewire, reconnect, reengage and refocus on the home. Family, no matter what it looks like or how messy it feels to dive into, is where it is at. The power has always resided there. The influence has always been strongest there. The fact is, families were wired that way from the start by the One who said, “Impress these commandments upon your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road; when you lie down and when you rise.”
It’s time to fix the disconnect and turn our attention, our energy, our desire to see children follow Christ towards the home and equip the leaders there to do what they are wired to do…go and make disciples at home.
Join the conversation on Facebook at ReFocus Family and Intergen Ministry.
For more information about practical discipleship in the home or transitioning to a more home-focused ministry at your church, go to ReFocus Ministry or “like” our Facebook page.
About the author
Christina Embree is wife to Pastor Luke, mom to three wonderful kids, and family minister at Nicholasville UMC. She is passionate about seeing churches partnering with families to encourage faith formation at home and equipping parents to disciple their kids in the faith. Currently studying Family, Youth and Children’s Ministry at Wesley Seminary, she also blogs at www.refocusministry.org and is a contributing blogger at ChildrensMinistryBlog.com, Seedbed, and D6 Family.
4 thoughts on “How We “Broke” The Family”
Great article Christina.
I enjoyed your treatment of the dichotomy we face in the church of wanting to help, and not helping so much that we hurt. For true change to occur in our families, parent’s ability to discipleship to their children must be nurtured. The Church needs to be equipping these parents, many of whom did not ever attend a church until they already had children.
I’m one of those parents. My wife and I came to church when our oldest daughter was 13 and our youngest was 6. We floundered around with how to raise children that were followers of Christ and mirror his love. Thankfully we got plugged into a strong small group that had children that were the same age as our children. While we had wonderful role models, and fellow parents we could turn to for advice, we never received any formal training on disciplining to our children.
I think another great place that parents can learn some of these important discipleship skills is through their church’s youth group. One of the struggles I see with some youth group programs is that they totally isolate the kids from their parents. Now I understand why some of that is needed, after all our youth needs a place to escape from their parents, be able to ask some tough questions of people that aren’t their parents, and be free to act like the wonderfully goofy kids that they are. What we can’t lose sight of is that some of these kids in our youth programs don’t have parents that attend a church. What if one night every few months the leaders brought the parents in for part of the youth evening? Or how about a service project where the parents serve along side the youth?
Let’s reinforce the family unit.
We could dig deep into the “why’s” this shift away from the strong Christian family unit has occurred, and I won’t go into all the geopolitical mantras, because it is all just a distraction from what we need to be doing to fix the problems.
Now let’s get to work training our parents! Let’s get to work training our youth to receive the message!
Reblogged this on Old Guy Seminarian and commented:
Well written article on the struggle to disciple to our children. It is worth a read, and further review!
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